Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
