I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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