do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
