Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
