And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
