I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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