New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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