And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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