i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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