she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
