I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
