I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
