I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
