Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
