I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
