He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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