we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She said her name was "party"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
