A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
