Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
