I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
