I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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