the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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