i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
