Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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