apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
