the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
