We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
