how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
