I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
