I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
