the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
