Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
