I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
