wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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