i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
