She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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