I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
