every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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