If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
