At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
