Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
