new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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