Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
