I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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