I will die if light touches me.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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