Kiss
Puke
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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