found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
