so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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