She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
