That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
