I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
