I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
